Ellipses may be forbidden in poetry but I’m afraid I’m quite the human version of a run on sentence so bear with me as they shall appear when and however I choose. Bad writing or no.
I’m 38, have been for a whole 6 days now. I’ve been up and down fighting my body and mind, and as it ages, this battle hasn’t really gotten any better. I’m not sure I’ll win, as I’m not sure what the win conditions are. Oh surely we’ve been told, monetary success is a win, having a baby is a win, finding true love is a win, following your heart is a win, being powerful, or helping your community, being beautiful, taking care of yourself, buying the right tupperware, oh and don’t forget the latest trend! See that movie, read that book! Follow this diet and all your dreams will come true….
Except… it’s not any one of those things… it’s some of them for some, and some for others, and in shifting amounts. Some you may want and never have, but you are not less you for that… YOU are you… it’s all you can be… and your glow comes from finding your path.. and the damned thing about the whole situation is that not one damned soul on this planet can find it for you. You can certainly take hope in inspiration here or there, but then you find your heroes are human, fallible.. and that devil isn’t all evil and it’s just so much more confusing the older you get and where are you again?
That’s right… I was here.. trying a newish thing… typing my thoughts, revising old poetry, finding my voice, in this whirlwind of a million wonderful things in the world, I need an anchor, a solid place from which to explore my mind. I find stepping stones.. touch stones… pieces of me scattered throughout this world, connections and snippets of a pattern/wavelength that is me. Find you is all the advice I can give… the only advice I’ve found in 38 years that has always applied. Don’t drown in the world, find your rock, your path, and shit maybe your path is the exact opposite of whatever you think it is you should be, but your nature is the only truth you can know… ignore that at your own peril. Perhaps maybe not even your own peril but all the world is poorer for a you that isn’t fully you.
all this was supposed to be about how I feel like I’m getting my head back in the game, getting energy and feeling better about myself. I started drinking my coffee with coconut oil in the mornings as part of a fad that’s sweeping right now… but, it has really helped me start the day with enough fats to think clearly, to have just a tiny bit more energy.. and that’s just it… it doesn’t matter fad or fashion all that matters is you find a way to get better, be more you, have the energy to share, to shine… and that comes only from finding what helps you, letting go of the weight of the world and of your own past.
Gods there is so much to type and this is a fraction of what my brain needs to say, to express, and I’ve said it before, and I’ll probably start this all again in ten years but for right now… this is helping me be me, for me. I can only wish the same for you….